We each carry our family's culture within us. Our ongoing relationship with our families exerts a subtle and sometimes not so subtle pressure from the outside. Here are a few rules of thumb for the ongoing negotiation of this part of marital "oneness."

First, respect each other's family culture. We can't successfully negotiate without a mutual respect for each other's family. Do not critique each other's families, though do listen to what each of you appreciates or finds difficult about them. Though marriage is in a sense a transplanting or grafting of who we are, we need to respect where the roots developed. A family is a hybrid that is best when it expresses characteristics of both lines, genetically and culturally.

Second, agree that your new family comes first. This means "My family always did it that way" should not become a theme. Help your partner understand what you value about your old customs and how these can enrich your family life together.

Third, be open to your families, but care for your boundaries. Our families of origin can greatly enrich our lives together. Whether it be pitching in to help with a move, caring for nieces or nephews after a sibling surgery or having an aging parent move in with us, extending to our families is a beautiful expression of our connectedness that shows our children the importance of family. Without cutting off dysfunctional family members, we need to guard compassionately and responsibly against destructive or unsafe contact they have with our new family.

Fourth, heal what injuries you may have from your family of origin. None of us are perfect parents and families.

Paul Ruff is a licensed psychologist and a member of Nativity of our Lord in St. Paul