Together on the Journey: A Weekly Word from Archbishop Hebda
I was recently at one of our schools for Grandparents’ Day—a wonderfully positive experience. It was interesting for me to hear from multiple generations—parents, grandparents and great-grandparents—that parenting has never been easy.
What consistently comes through is that parents truly desire whatever is best for their kids. I’m always inspired when I hear about parents and grandparents financially prioritizing Catholic education or sacrificing well-deserved “down time” to be present whenever a child needs to talk (regardless of the hour of day). I know, however, that there’s also a strong temptation to insulate kids from any trials or challenges. Some shared with me how hard it is not to be a “helicopter parent” or a “bulldozer parent” (a phrase that is new to me). They recognize, as do I, that the intention may be good, but that overprotecting can at times be a denial of the Lord’s role in all of this—indeed a denial that our children are always the children of a God who will love them and accompany them through the challenges of life.
In my recent pastoral letter to families, Only One Thing Is Necessary, I have tried to address this reality (while recognizing that I’m not a parent). One of the parental practices I recommend to parents is recognizing “that all children are God’s children first. They can never be objects of your possession. They are not your projects. With this recognition of their true Heavenly Father comes encouragement and expectation, warmth and accountability, mercy and justice. This makes your children special but also calls them to a special responsibility.”
I remember that it was not always easy for my parents, and especially my dear mom, to let go as my siblings and I ventured down paths that my parents would not necessarily have chosen for us. In hindsight, we see the sacrifices that our parents made out of love as they shared us with spouses, new families or, in my case, the Church. Initially, my parents were none too happy when I told them I was being assigned indefinitely to Rome, or when I told them that I was being named bishop of a diocese in Northern Michigan that would place us at different ends of the U.S. But they eventually found some consolation in remembering that we each belong to God first, and that our priority has to be to do his work.
My siblings and I would often have to remind our mom that “we’re not 6 anymore”. I was still saying that in my 50s. As we grow older, our needs change but the family still remains important.
It was always helpful for us to remember the Holy Family and the changes that they might have experienced as Jesus grew in age and wisdom. Mary, Joseph and Jesus lived together quietly in the early years: working, praying, sharing meals, and undoubtedly enjoying one another’s company. I always love the art that depicts Jesus doing carpentry with Joseph. These simple moments were laying the foundation that helped sustain them as Jesus “grew and became strong, filled with wisdom” (Luke 2:40).
But there would have been challenging times even in the Holy Family. Think for example of what it would have been like when Joseph passed away, or when Jesus had to leave home to begin his public ministry and fulfill his mission, ultimately leading to the pain that Mary sustained at the foot of the cross.
I suppose that Mary could have tried to prevent the trials Jesus would undergo, as a “bulldozer parent” might be tempted to do. But in spite of the personal pain, Mary chose to keep “all these things in her heart” (Luke 2:51), knowing that her Son was (and is) God’s Son first.
Let’s pray that Mary’s example will give courage to the parents of our Archdiocese when they see their children suffer or go down an unexpected or unhealthy path. Trust that we are all first God’s children. As a loving Father, God hears our prayers and walks with us—and especially with your children—in the simple moments, in the trials, and at every moment in between.
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